Category: Guest Post

5 Steps for the Coziest Christmas Getaway by Cindy Steel | Author Guest Post

Posted December 12, 2022 by Jana in Bookish Little Christmas, Guest Post / 0 Comments

Today I’m welcoming Cindy Steel, author of Faking Christmas (which I reviewed last week), to the blog to share her tips for a cozy Christmas getaway! I love this post because Cindy highlights all my favorite things about Faking Christmas, which I highly recommend you pick up this month (it’s in Kindle Unlimited, too!). Read more about it below!

5 Steps for the Coziest Christmas Getaway by Cindy Steel

Find an impish friend who will trick you into bringing your family to a Christmas Lodge in Vermont…full well knowing that your hot coworker nemesis will be there too.
Add in a bit of fake dating…if your nemesis is up for it. (To avoid the awful ex-boyfriend, of course.)
Make sure your nemesis is super flirty and looks good in flannel. It really fits the vibe and helps set the mood for Christmas bliss. Bonus points for him chopping wood and having a plethora of nicknames for you.
Throw in a dash of real and heartfelt emotions. Your nemesis (who at this point is beginning to feel much less like an enemy and more like a…well…anyway) just might be the one to help you sort through your grief and emotions bottled up in your heart.
Kisses must be plentiful and performed often. For the fake dating stage, of course. Teasing and flirting and banter are a must. But the key is having your nemesis turned fake-but-maybe-not-so-fake-boyfriend being a man who knows exactly what he wants and is not afraid to go after it.

BONUS points for literature and movie quotes referred to in abundance.

I hope this guide is helpful in providing you with your coziest and most sizzling Christmas yet!

Merry Christmas!

Faking Christmas by Cindy Steel
Series: Christmas Escape #3
Published by Self on November 2, 2022
Genres: Contemporary Romance, Holiday – Christmas
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One little white lie.

That’s all it took. Now I’m suddenly having to fake-date my work nemesis to get me through a week at a Vermont Christmas lodge with my family.

The problem? I can’t stand Miles Taylor. Not only that, but I don’t date people I work with. But I can handle it. I’ve had practice faking my emotions for years. So it shouldn’t matter that Miles never lets me get away with anything. And that he happens to boil my blood hotter than a steaming pot of wassail. So when he throws his annoying grin my way or forces me on dates he knows I’ll hate, I’ll just grit my teeth and smile.

Or maybe not. Did I mention that Miles is the one person in the world I can’t seem to fool?

When my emotions begin feeling less like a sham and his arms feel way too comfortable, it makes me think that maybe Miles had a plan of his own. And I’m starting to like it a lot more than mine.

★ Faking Christmas is a sweet, closed door romance full of sizzle, witty banter, and chemistry, but without explicit content.

About Cindy Steel

Cindy Steel was raised on a dairy farm in Idaho. She grew up singing Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire songs at the top of her lungs and learning to solve all of life’s problems while milking cows and driving tractors—rewriting happy endings every time. She met and married a handsome Idaho boy and is the proud mother of two wild and sweet twin boys. Which means she is also now a collector of bugs, sticks, rocks, and slobbery kisses. She loves making breakfast, baking, photography, reading a good book, and staying up way past her bedtime to craft stories that will hopefully make you smile.

Website

Header photo by Jessica Delp on Unsplash

A Letter to the Fixer Upper I Used to Be by Lauren Forsythe | Author Guest Post (+Giveaway)

Posted August 25, 2022 by Jana in Giveaway, Guest Post / 1 Comment

I’m so excited to have Lauren Forsythe, author of The Fixer Upper, on the blog today! The Fixer Upper is Lauren’s debut, and is a romantic comedy about an underground service that does the emotional labor for women whose partners need some help. Our heroine, Aly, runs this service and gains a client whose boyfriend is none other than Aly’s childhood best friend. And, of course, Aly’s client thinks he needs some changing when Aly has always thought he’s already as perfect as can be.

Lauren is here to share a letter she’s written to her past fixer upper self, which ties so nicely into her new book! I think it’s such a lovely letter, and perhaps you might be able to see yourself (past or present) in it. I know I did. Read more about The Fixer Upper and enter to win a copy below!

A Letter to the Fixer Upper I Used to Be
by Lauren Forsythe

I see you, at twenty two, hiding in the bathroom of the shitty studio you never wanted to rent in the first place. You’re sitting on the closed lid of the toilet seat, laptop on your lap, stuffing your earphones further into your ears because you can’t bear the bass anymore.

You don’t want to tell your boyfriend that mixing his dubstep out loud in the tiny space you two share is making you insane. Because you’re supportive that he makes music. You don’t want to tell him that you’re resentful of moving into this crap heap because he didn’t want to live at home and commute into London for the course you’re both studying. Because you understand he gets depressed at home.

So you don’t say anything. You make plans and you pay for meals and you pretend you’re not exhausted getting up at four am to work at Starbucks, and going to bed at midnight after working on your coursework.

But I can tell you, little fixer, you’re not going to fix that one. And one day you’re going to realise never having an argument in a four year relationship doesn’t mean you’re good communicators – it means you’re a pushover. One day, as mad as it seems, you’re not going to feel obligated to do things for people, or to keep quiet just to make sure people love you.

I see you, later in that year when you’ve decided you’re going to finish your course and go to Australia. Well, what about me, what do I do? He asks, and you say whatever you want! You try to pretend it’s not a clear breakup, that you’re not gently waiting until the course is finished and you’ve both moved out, to be as polite and cause as little trouble as possible.

You’re both on a writing course, and your boyfriend decides to write a script about a man whose girlfriend goes to Australia. He writes it on bright yellow post it notes, and pastes them all over the walls of your box studio. You wake up to neon yellow and capital letters, accusing you of running away, telling the story of a fictional deserter, somehow trying to punish you.

Some days you close your eyes on the bed and put your arm out to the wall, and feel the post it notes beneath your fingertips, somehow caving in on you. Here’s your story, reduced to a bunch of paper in the flat you never wanted, with the boy you’ve stopped loving.

And yet you don’t leave.

He’d have to find somewhere else to live. He’d struggle to afford it. He doesn’t have many friends in the city. You give yourself excuses because it would be mean of you to leave. He needs you. You’re responsible.

But you’re a fixer. So you view flats for him because he’s too busy, and you find him a new place to live to assuage your guilt. You go home and pretend you’re still a couple. You wait for him to say the obvious.

For a while, you’ll do this again. There will be men, friends and lovers, who want your input on their novel, or your editing eyes on their CV. Who will want you to show up to their gig with adoring eyes, or go shopping for their suit for their sister’s wedding.

But – and here’s the important one – you will say no. It’ll happen without you noticing at first. But you’ll go to Australia and travel alone. You’ll put your loves and your life first, and when you meet someone who is opposite to you in almost every way, and you start to fall back into the pattern, you’ll notice it.

He fixes you too. You will arrange the holidays, but he will teach you to snowboard. You’ll deal with the English but he’ll work out the maths. You’ll tell him he can start his own business, and he’ll encourage you to write a novel.
And you do.

You write a novel about being a fixer. About giving every part of yourself to someone else, and it being taken as standard. And you’ll jokingly write about living in that room of yellow post it notes, and you’ll laugh. Because it’s not you anymore.

You will defend your loves with a fierceness, your writing time, your self care, your quiet moments. You’ll argue, but in a way that lets you learn how to ask for what you need. And whilst you are still a fixer, ready to jump into help with a box of plasters, a toolbox or a batch of cookies…you don’t always need to. Because he can fix it too.

The Fixer Upper by Lauren Forsythe
Published by G.P. Putnam’s Sons on August 2, 2022
Genres: Romance, Contemporary Romance, Romantic Comedy
Add to Goodreads
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In this funny and sharp romantic comedy, a woman with a knack for turning her boyfriends’ lives around starts a professional service to help wrangle men, only to be unexpectedly matched with an old flame.

Ever since she can remember, Aly has been fixing everything around her: her parents’ marriage, her colleagues’ work problems, and her friends’ love lives. After a chance meeting with an ex who has gone from a living in his parents’ basement to a married project manager in three years, she realizes she’s been fixing her boyfriends, too…

So, Aly decides to put her talents to good use and, alongside two work friends, sets up The Fixer Upper, an exclusive, underground service for women who are tired of unpaid emotional labor. Using little tricks and tips, Aly and her friends get the men to do the work themselves – to get out of the job they hate, sign up for that growth seminar, to do more parenting. Before long, a high-profile Instagram star hires them to fix-up her app developer boyfriend. There’s just one catch – he’s also Aly’s childhood best friend and first love. As Aly tackles her biggest “fixer upper” yet, she’ll have to come to terms with their complicated history and figure out how much to change someone she’d always thought was perfect as he is…

Lauren Forsythe lives in Hertfordshire with her husband and son, and a cat that gets more spoilt by the day. She works in marketing, studied English and Creative Writing at the UEA, and spends too much time trying to work out how she can retroactively add pockets to every piece of clothing she owns. She is the author of The Fixer Upper and Dealbreakers.

Banner Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash

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Enemies-To-Lovers is Getting Old, Said No One Ever by Amy Lea | Author Guest Post (+ Giveaway)

Posted May 11, 2022 by Jana in Giveaway, Guest Post / 13 Comments

I’m excited to welcome Amy Lea, author of Set on You, to the blog today! Set on You is officially out in the world as of yesterday, and I thought it would be fun to invite Amy to talk to us a little more about her book! She’s written up such a fun post on her favorite romance trope, and I think you’re going to really enjoy it. A special thanks goes out to Spark Point Studio, who is sponsoring a giveaway of Set on You for one of my readers! Read more about the book and enter to win below!

Whenever someone asks me what my favorite romance trope is, my first response is always: I LOVE THEM ALL. *grabby hands* Generally speaking, making decisions isn’t my strong suit. Trust, my husband is traumatized from years of asking me which restaurant I want to eat at. But if someone were to threaten to push me off a cliff or ban me from buying books for all of eternity, I’d cave and shout ENEMIES-TO-LOVERS.

My first traditionally published book, SET ON YOU is enemies-to-lovers. Why? Frankly, it’s my favorite to write. In fact, I have a difficult time NOT writing enemies to lovers. So far, I’ve only written one book that wasn’t enemies-to-lovers. While I love that secret book with all my heart, the entire time I was writing it, I craved the angst that comes with the hatred and the venomous insults.

“Hating someone feels disturbingly similar to being in love with them.”
– Lucy Hutton, The Hating Game by Sally Thorne

Why, may you ask? For me, it all comes down to a couple key, irresistible ingredients:

Banter

Some witty verbal sparring with an underlying layer of simmering, sexual tension is my catnip, particularly when it’s rooted in comedy (it can’t be too mean). I live for the scenes where characters viciously roast each other on spits, mostly because you learn a lot about a person when they’re heated. It allows the reader greater insight into who the character is, what drives them, their potential flaws, and what they may need to overcome by the end of the book.

In SET ON YOU, Crystal and Scott banter back and forth at the gym on numerous occasions. This banter illustrates a number of key things about Crystal in the opening chapters. In particular, we learn how passionate and dedicated she is to her job and her clients. We also get the hint that she may not be the uber-confident girl she presents herself to be. Through the banter, we also learn a little bit about Scott’s flirty, cocky, yet secret-softie personality, as well as his close relationship with his family.

Slow Burn Tension

Everyone has preferences when it comes to pacing in romance, but I’m personally partial to a slow burn. The push and pull before the payoff is electric and so worth the hundreds of pages to get there. Oftentimes, there’s something that brings the two enemies together in proximity initially. In SET ON YOU, Crystal and Scott share a gym where they both workout regularly. In addition, they also find out their grandparents are engaged. This familial aspect does two things – it forces proximity and it also raises the stakes when it comes to the risk of getting romantically involved.

Either way, the slow burn is the prime opportunity for the transition from hate to love. This section is often riddled with tiny hints of budding attraction, whether it’s physical or emotional. Sometimes it’s in a brief moment of understanding, a lingering gaze, a scorching accidental touch, or a common enemy/obstacle.

It’s especially wonderful when one or both characters are plagued with denial and internal strife over their conflicting feelings. The moment when they finally realize or admit the truth to themselves is so rewarding (extra claps for the sassy best friend or the wise elderly character who often knocks some sense into them).

Eruption

The first kiss or the first steamy scene is usually unexpected, yet wildly satisfying. My favorite is when there’s a slight roughness and lingering tension that comes through the physical act, reminding us of that fire that is fueling the passion. Oftentimes, these scenes aid in building that emotional bond between the characters, because they are finally allowing each other to see their vulnerable, naked (literally) selves.

First impressions aren’t always correct

One of the best things about enemies-to-lovers is that moment when the characters realize that they misjudged each other. That the other person is more than meets the eye. Character growth is often beautifully illustrated when they finally develop empathy and understanding for each other. Side note, my catnip is also when one or both parties secretly pine for the other, masking it in hate. ;)

The perfect match

More often than not, the two characters are not much different from one another than they may seem. In SET ON YOU, Crystal and Scott come to find that their initial dislike for each other is rooted in similarities, despite a reluctance to admit it. They wind up having a lot in common, including that they’re both uber-competitive and family-oriented.

Conversely, in other books, it’s also heartwarming when two polar opposite characters complete each other in complementary ways. Joining together with their differences can often make them an unstoppable power couple. This trope allows for endless character growth, which is often so satisfying for readers.

In all the romance books I’ve read (and I’ve read hundreds), I’ve yet to come across two enemies-to-lovers books that don’t put their own unique twists on the trope. There are endless ways to turn it upside down, sideways, and back without it feeling tired and overdone, which is why this dynamic trope has become such a timeless reader favorite.

Set On You by Amy Lea
Published by Berkley Books on May 10, 2022
Genres: Adult Fiction — Contemporary Romance, Romantic Comedy
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A gym nemesis pushes a fitness influencer to the max in Amy Lea’s steamy debut romantic comedy.

Curvy fitness influencer Crystal Chen built her career shattering gym stereotypes and mostly ignoring the trolls. After her recent breakup, she has little stamina left for men, instead finding solace in the gym – her place of power and positivity.

Enter firefighter Scott Ritchie, the smug new gym patron who routinely steals her favorite squat rack. Sparks fly as these ultra-competitive foes battle for gym domination. But after a series of escalating jabs, the last thing they expect is to run into each other at their grandparents’ engagement party.

In the lead up to their grandparents’ wedding, Crystal discovers there’s a soft heart under Scott’s muscled exterior. Bonding over family, fitness, and cheesy pick-up lines, she just might have found her swolemate. But when a photo of them goes viral, savage internet trolls put their budding relationship to the ultimate test of strength.

About Amy Lea

Amy Lea is a Canadian bureaucrat by day and contemporary romance author by night (and weekends). She writes laugh out loud romantic comedies featuring strong heroines, witty banter, mid-2000s pop culture references, and happily ever afters.

When Amy is not writing, she can be found fan-girling over other romance books on Instagram (@amyleabooks), eating potato chips with reckless abandon, and snuggling with her husband and goldendoodle.

Her debut romantic comedy SET ON YOU is forthcoming from Berkley Romance at Penguin Random House in May 2022.

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Floral post header photo by Darren Nunis on Unsplash

My Great Day Job Resignation by For Butter Or Worse Author Erin La Rosa

Posted January 3, 2022 by Jana in Guest Post / 5 Comments

I’m so excited to welcome Erin La Rosa, author of the upcoming contemporary romance book release For Butter Or Worse, to the blog today to share a little about herself and her new book! I’m reading For Butter Or Worse right now, and am loving it so far! If the title alone isn’t enough to grab you (oh my gosh, I love butter), rest assured that the contents are just as wonderful! I can’t wait for the world to read this one this summer!

My Great Day Job Resignation
by Erin La Rosa

I love tropes. I buy romance books based on my favorite ones (enemies to lovers, second chance, to name a few).

And maybe I’m also an embodiment of a 2021 trope—quitting your job. Because I, like millions of other Americans, recently quit. And I’m now officially entering 2022 as an unemployed person. (Hello, my fellow jobless friends!)

Of course, I have my reasons. Because I never went anywhere, did anything, or shopped much during the pandemic, I saved up enough money to last me a year without another job. I liked my job as a social media manager at Amazon Prime Video, but didn’t love my job. And I have a toddler who I want to spend more time with.

Oh, and my debut romance book, For Butter or Worse, is coming out July 26, 2022. And, like any self-involved writer, I’ll need all of those extra daytime hours to obsessively check my Goodreads reviews.

To be honest, this isn’t the first time I dramatically quit a job. In 2019, I left my secure, high-paying job at Netflix to begin writing For Butter or Worse. I’d felt this story bubbling up inside me for about six months. And I pushed it down, avoided acknowledging it, and hoped it would go away.

But then this annoying, gut feeling that I needed to be writing just kept floating back up. It got so loud that I could no longer do my job without feeling resentful. I wanted time to write, but there was none.

So, I saved up money and then… quit. I wrote a first draft of For Butter or Worse, re-read it, and was so horrified by how bad it was that I decided to take a job opportunity at Prime Video. Over the course of two years, I’d revisit the novel, though. I’d tinker, rewrite full chapters, or add a subplot.

After my daughter was born, my priorities shifted completely—she came first.

And I wanted to do something that would make her proud. So I continued to work my full-time job and spent as much time as I could with her. But when she slept, I wrote. I edited the book sometimes until one in the morning, then would sleep a few hours before she got up.

To be clear—I do not recommend this method to anyone. It was a time in my life where I was fueled purely by bowls of ice cream and this manic, obsessive drive to finish a new draft of the book.

Eventually, I did finish. I could’ve kept rewriting endlessly. But I decided to send it out to agents, just to see if anyone thought my writing was any good. If everyone I sent it to said no, then I’d know this wasn’t my path. But if I got some interest… maybe there was a career opportunity there.

Waiting for feedback was agonizing and sometimes heartbreaking. I got several kind rejections and several dismissive ones too. But three agents saw potential in my pages, and that was the sign from the universe I needed. (Not everyone believes in signs, but I do, so stick with me here!)

I signed with Jess Errera at the Jane Rotrosen Agency. She’s an up and coming agent, and I will (hopefully) be an up and coming romance author. We sold For Butter or Worse in a two-book deal to Harlequin in December of 2020.

Once I sold the book, the universe really seemed to be screaming at me to pursue writing full-time. So I knew I had to do the save money dance so I could quit. And now that it’s 2022, and For Butter or Worse will be out in July, I feel that I’m exactly where I need to be.

And in case you’re someone who is a living trope and loves to buy books involving tropes, For Butter or Worse is an enemies-to-lovers contemporary rom-com about two reality cooking show hosts who have to fake date in order to save their careers. If you loved The Hating Game or Great British Baking Show, you can add the book on Goodreads and pre-order here.

Are you interested in writing? Or do you love romance novels? Please do hit me up on Instagram or Twitter—I will need breaks from writing book two, and love to chat!

For Butter Or Worse by Erin La Rosa
Published by HQN on July 26, 2022
Genres: Romance – Contemporary
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They go together like water and oil…

All chef Nina Lyon wants is to make a name for herself in the culinary world and inspire young women everywhere to do the same. For too long, she’s been held back and underestimated by the male-dominated sphere of professional kitchens, and she’s had enough. Now, as co-host of the competitive reality TV series The Next Cooking Champ!, she finally has a real shot at being top tier in the foodie scene.
Too bad her co-host happens to be Hollywood’s smarmiest jerk.

Restaurateur Leo O’Donnell never means to get under Nina’s skin. It just seems to happen, especially when the cameras are rolling. It’s part of the anxiety and stress he has come to know all too well in this line of work. So nothing prepares him for the fallout after he takes one joke a smidge too far and Nina up and quits—on live TV.

To make matters worse, the two are caught in what looks like a compromising situation by the paparazzi…and fans of the show go absolutely nuts. Turns out, a “secret romance” between Nina and Leo may just be what their careers need most.

Now all they have to do is play along, without killing each other…and without catching feelings. Easy as artisanal shepherd’s pie. Right?

About Erin La Rosa

Erin La Rosa is the author of two nonfiction works, Womanskills and The Big Redhead Book. She’s written for BuzzFeed, SheKnows, E!, Funny or Die, and many others. She’s also performed in storytelling series like Mortified, “Funny but True” at the LA Times Book Festival, and Sunday Night Sex Talks.

She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and their two cats, Fish and Chips. Erin loves reading romance and chick-lit, and would love recommendations for more to read!

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Letters from Deborah Rose of You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle | Author Guest Post

Posted December 28, 2020 by Jana in Guest Post / 3 Comments

I’m so excited to have Sarah Hogle, author of You Deserve Each Other, on the blog today to share with us letter from the bookish world’s worst mother-in-law ever. YDEO was one of my favorite books of 2020, and I’m so excited to read what Sarah writes next (it’s called Twice Shy, btw)!

Letters from Deborah Rose

Hello, readers! I’m Sarah Hogle, and my debut novel is YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER, which published on April 7, 2020. For those unfamiliar with the book, it’s a lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers romcom about an engaged couple who have been pretending to be the perfect couple but are actually sick of each other. With the big, elaborate wedding just months away, neither of them want to get married and neither of them want to be responsible for the steep costs of canceling the wedding, so they begin a game of pranks to annoy each other into calling it off and, inadvertently, fall back in love in the process.

Besides Nicholas and Naomi’s issues, the biggest villain in this book is Nicholas’s mother, Deborah Rose. Deborah is what you’d get if you combined Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development and the worst Karen you’ve ever seen. She’s domineering. She’s manipulative. She doles out questionable advice in a newspaper column, Dear Deborah, and guilts her son into shoveling her driveway every winter. For A Bookish Little Christmas, I thought it would be funny, and maybe slightly horrifying, to take the lid off Deborah Rose’s deluded brain and see what her outgoing emails might look like. Chronologically, these come right after the last chapter of You Deserve Each Other. If you haven’t read the book but plan to, there are some major spoilers in here and I’d recommend waiting!

If you haven’t read You Deserve Each Other and don’t plan to, you can still enjoy these emails. You will probably say, “Oh, no, I know somebody exactly like her.” It will not be complimentary. XD

To: Rise and Smile Dentistry

Subject: Important

Dear Nicky,

Have I not given you everything you’ve ever wanted? Is there something I should have done differently? Maybe I should have forced you to pay your own way through college, and then you wouldn’t resent me for aiding your success. I can think of no other reason for this punishment. I have taken to my bed, as nowadays all I can do is cry and think miserably about the joyous occasion of my only son’s wedding, that I’ve missed out on. Tell your wife I said congratulations, and I’m so very glad she’s gotten what she wanted.

Confused and sad,

Mom

To: Susan Ratcliffe

Re: Would like to volunteer for bake sale

I couldn’t help but notice on Sunday that you were wearing a very familiar dark green Paige sweater with a turtleneck and shoulder cut-out. You have, no doubt, seen me wearing this same sweater on occasion and have, no doubt, heard the compliments paid to me. I bought it at Neiman Marcus last year and, I must say, this “look” has become somewhat iconic to the Deborah Rose personal brand. A great many people have complimented my sense of style, so I understand why you would try to emulate it. However, this particular sweater is inappropriate for church and makes you look like you’re hunting for an affair with one of your divorced son’s thirty-something pals. You are such a dear friend, which is why I must tell you that when you sneak into church two minutes into the sermon, drawing attention to yourself and your semi-bare shoulder, your choices are frowned upon by Jesus.

I am putting you down for six dozen peanut butter chocolate cookies. I understand that you are diabetic, but please do not make those sugar-free rocks you bring to potlucks. We need the best of the best to spread a heavenly message.

Mrs. Deborah Rose

Popular Advice Columnist and Bake Sale Coordinator

To: Joyce

Subject: Another day passes…

My dearest friend, you are absolutely right. Someday soon, Nicky will see how much he has hurt me and he’ll regret it. Hopefully I’ll still be alive to accept his apology with open arms. But, one never knows when the lord is ready to take them, and I’m gravely worried about the new neighbors who moved in two houses down. They are from California, where ANYTHING goes. Twice now I’ve noticed visitors parking in their driveway after eleven PM, staying for not even half an hour. The wife is a hippie with two eyebrow piercings and she wears HEMP. Do you know what hemp is? Hemp is drugs.
I’m thinking about getting a saltwater aquarium, but I don’t trust Harold with it.

Deborah

Bake Sale Coordinator

To: Rise and Smile Dentistry

Subject: You do not have enough parking spaces

Dear Nicky,

Now on top of the pain I already feel, I have to put up with the yard looking like a catastrophe. I just find it disgraceful that after everything we’ve done for you, this is the heartless treatment we receive. Your father hasn’t left his chair in days. The only thing he has energy for is watching television. This tragedy has turned him into a shadow of his former self—if you’re not going to apologize for my sake, apologize for your poor father’s. I assume you no longer want to come over for Christmas, which means I have no reason to put up the tree or decorate. Your sister refuses to come because she thinks my remarks about her girlfriend having a degree from an online university were “insensitive,” so I will probably just sit by myself and look through photo albums to remember happier times.

Please tell your wife to stop coming over and shoveling our driveway. Her services are not needed or asked for, and she appears to not know what she is doing.

I found a screwdriver in the garage, if you want it. All the bird seed is gone. I don’t know why it’s so warm this week.

Mom

To: Magnolia Rose [BragnoliaRoseSwagShop@hotmail.com]

Re: for the love of god stop contacting me

MY husband smells like someone else’s Febreze. This is a confidential, legally binding petition for you to submit, as evidence, one of your recently worn (clean) outwear garments such as a jacket, cardigan, or scarf for testing purposes. You are lawfully obligated to comply within 10 business days, and must get in touch with my legal representative, Joanne P. at State Farm.

MRS. DEBORAH ROSE

Rose Brand Manager

Dear Deborah

Re: Submission: My Father in Law Goes To Brothels

Hello Seymour Butz,

Your father-in-law is a troubled man, but unfortunately I am not surprised. The destruction of the nuclear family has resulted in husbands and wives neglecting their proper roles. From what you say about your mother-in-law, she ought to mind her business. It is my experience that people who are happy with their own lives don’t stick their noses into others’! We must rise ever above.

To: Nick Jr. Contact Support

Area of Concern [write-in]: You’ve just lost a viewer

I am disappointed that you’ve chosen to give Ariana Grande a wider platform to corrupt our children. I just read an article that said Ariana will be voicing a guest character on your show “Bubble Guppies” next week and am APPALLED. You are supposed to be role models for our children, and this angelfish who teaches the Guppies to reach for their dreams is going to convince preschoolers to get tattoos and date Peter Davidsons. I have twelve grandchildren who have been loyal Nick Jr. watchers, but in all good conscience I can no longer air this channel in my home. I will instead give my patronage to the unproblematic Disney!

Deborah R

To: Star Magazine Tips Hotline

Subject: Kate Middleton

Message: I do not care for Kate Middleton.

To: Joyce

Subject: What sort of world are we living in?

I am in tears, I am shaking. Something truly terrible has happened. Do you remember the new neighbors I was telling you about? They reported me to the police for harassment, and only because I knocked on their door and asked them to take a polarizing “Spread Love Not Hate” sign out of their yard.

Make no mistake, I will not let these people bully me. I am going to have a discussion with the HOA about that sign, along with the poppy seed muffin gift basket they gave to the Harrisons. We all know what poppy seeds are really for!

My Amazon packages are late again. I’ve been looking at the tracker and it said expected delivery was yesterday, but now they’re suddenly delayed. I think someone is tampering with my packages.

I heard from Judy that your sister passed. How unfortunate! Would you mind getting the funeral home director’s information for me and forwarding it to my son? I feel incredibly unsafe with these neighbors around, and if I am killed I just want to make it as easy on Nicholas as possible to make arrangements, as he will be mourning his decision to let that wife of his come between us in my final days. Please also forward your divorce lawyer’s number to him. Are you still bringing German chocolate cake to the bake sale? The funeral isn’t until 3, from what I heard, and the bake sale starts at noon, so you should be able to help out for most of the day and your brief absence won’t affect us too negatively.

Deborah

Popular Advice Columnist and Bake Sale Coordinator

To: Arby’s Customer Feedback

Subject: The Beaufort Arby’s on Walter Drive

Hello, Arby’s. This evening I ordered two large curly fries and two roast beef sandwiches through the drive-thru. I have not had Arby’s in quite some time because my last experience was unsatisfactory (only one restroom, which meant having to wait a ridiculously long time to use it), but was willing to give you another chance. Well, you blew it. I drove home, opened up my bag, and discovered that one of the fries was a medium.
The worker who gave me my food is named Rhonda. (In case there are multiple Rhondas at the Arby’s on Walter Drive, this one has untidy red hair and is pregnant but isn’t wearing a wedding ring).

Mrs. Deborah Rose

Popular Advice Columnist, Food Connoisseur, and Book Club Leader

To: Diana

Subject: Well I am sorry if you were offended

Actually, I am not sorry at all. If you didn’t want me to talk about you on public radio, you shouldn’t have left that explicit calendar in my guest bathroom. I will be deleting the series recording of The Masked Singer.

To: Pastor Thomas

Subject: Another one of God’s children has lost her way

I have reached out to Susan Ratcliffe regarding her disrespectful church attire, with no luck. I think you should have a conversation with Susan about showing off her shoulders when she is supposed to be Praising Him. I also think you should consider replacing her as a first-row choir singer, since right now she is front and center in front of impressionable young children. Coincidentally, I sang in the choir in college and would be willing to step in.

I am putting you down for six vanilla and chocolate marble cakes.

Mrs. Deborah Rose

Popular Advice Columnist and Bake Sale Coordinator

To: Rise and Smile Dentistry

Re: Customer Satisfaction Survey

Dear Nicholas,

I suppose this means you don’t want me to be your mother anymore. If you do not come to my Christmas party, everyone will speak ill of you, and I can’t bear the thought of hearing my oldest friends and family call you a disrespectful, ungrateful son who has been brainwashed by his wife to care only about her and hasn’t even asked about his parents’ beloved housekeeper’s health scare (not that you probably care at all, since you are so busy, but the results came back and whatever it was is benign, which we all prayed for because otherwise this might have cast a dark shadow on our party and her ability to pull off a halfway decent one for once).
There is no need to bring a dish, since there isn’t enough time between now and Christmas for Naomi to learn how to cook.

Also, I need help blocking Diana’s number from my phone.

To: Amazon Support

Subject: Please transfer me to Jeff Beezus

Someone is sabotaging my packages and I want them fired. On December third, I ordered a waffle iron with two-day shipping, but it arrived a day late and there wasn’t even a refund. On December eighth, I ordered the “First Hill Storage Ottoman in Gray Linen” from BMXSHIPPINGINC, who is one of your middlemen, or perhaps a Russian, and my order took three days for them to ship. Then it simply disappeared somewhere, because the tracker showed no further developments. The ottoman arrived within the window it was supposed to, but I don’t appreciate the shady conduct here, not knowing what was happening to my package in the interim and who was handling it. I want one of your workers to come take it back, and replace it with “Hummel figurine Just Dozing, original MI Hummel Collection, gift-boxed.”

My husband is a very powerful man, and my son is a prominent figure in the health field, putting his life on the line every day. If your business continues to tamper with my purchases, I will take legal action and take my fight public.

Mrs. Deborah Rose

Popular Advice Columnist and Bake Sale Coordinator

Applebee’s Grill & Bar (Marshall, TX) on Facebook

Now offering a contactless menu option! Also NEW Berry Merry Colada and NEW Reindeer Punch!
74 Comments

Deborah and Harold Rose WHEN IS American idol coming back on

To: Rise and Smile Dentistry
Re: Appointment Confirmation (no-reply)

Dr. Rose,

I believe you still have my cardboard box from when I sent a few of your old school assignments and other trinkets home with you on August 13th. There are other things that I need this box for. I find it highly unlikely that you’ve even opened it since the items within are reminders of your terrible childhood and your family that has never done anything but love you, so I would like it back.

You may leave it on the porch, if it is too much to ask for you to come inside.

To: Facebook Support

Area of Complaint (other)

Dear Mr. Mark Zuckerberg,

My daughter-in-law posted something that I am unable to view. It says the post is only viewable for a select group of people and I would like for you to tell me what is in this post. There could be defamation in it, so I believe it is my right as a citizen to see. For more information: her name is Naomi Rosefield and her profile picture is Elmo from Sesame Street, and he is on fire. I believe it is a reference to the movie St. Elmo’s Fire. She lives in Morris, Wisconsin.

She is unemployed.

Sincerely,

Deborah Rose

Deborah Rose for City Council

To: MAILER-DAEMON

Re: Failure Notice

I don’t know WHO you are or WHO provided you with my private email information and judging by your name, I assume you are satanic. This is your final warning to cease contact. These “failure notices” intended to intimidate me will NOT WORK and if you continue this harassment I will get the authorities involved!!!! My husband is a cop.

To: Naomi

Subject: NO SUBJECT

I saw that video of what you’ve been doing with my priceless heirloom salt and pepper shakers. Your childish behavior is an insult upon this entire family and I want them back. I also find it rude that you haven’t invited us over. It is lucky that my calendar is too full for a visit, or else I might feel slighted.

Mrs. Rose

Rose Matriarch

To: Community of Sycamore Lane HOA

Subject: We’re all in danger!

We’re all in danger of getting migraines from the excessively flashing Christmas lights the Harrisons have put up. I’ve checked with all the neighbors and they didn’t consult a single one of us before subjecting us to that enormous inflatable Grinch. It is spoiling the holiday atmosphere. When I am sitting in my upstairs guest room facing the northern window, half of my view is that awful Grinch and I feel no peace because of it.

Deborah Rose

Deborah Rose for City Council

To: viewers@crownmedia.com

Subject: important!!!

WHY are Andrew Walker and that woman from Full House in every single Hallmark movie and WHAT can I do to end it

To: Nicholas

Subject: emergency

NICHOLAS, YOU MUST MAKE HER STOP. I HAVE HIRED A SNOWPLOW MAN. I AM TOO OLD TO LIVE LIKE THIS.

You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle
Published by G.P. Putnam’s Sons on April 7, 2020
Genres: Contemporary, Romance
Add to Goodreads • Amazon

When your nemesis also happens to be your fiancé, happily ever after becomes a lot more complicated in this wickedly funny, lovers-to-enemies-to-lovers romantic comedy debut.

Naomi Westfield has the perfect fiancé: Nicholas Rose holds doors open for her, remembers her restaurant orders, and comes from the kind of upstanding society family any bride would love to be a part of. They never fight. They’re preparing for their lavish wedding that’s three months away. And she is miserably and utterly sick of him.

Naomi wants out, but there’s a catch: whoever ends the engagement will have to foot the nonrefundable wedding bill. When Naomi discovers that Nicholas, too, has been feigning contentment, the two of them go head-to-head in a battle of pranks, sabotage, and all-out emotional warfare.

But with the countdown looming to the wedding that may or may not come to pass, Naomi finds her resolve slipping. Because now that they have nothing to lose, they’re finally being themselves–and having fun with the last person they expect: each other.

About Sarah Hogle

A mom of three in southern Ohio, Sarah Hogle spends her free time planning weird pranks and hoping for a haunted castle to call her own. She is the author of You Deserve Each Other.